The Messy Middle: A Reflection on Week Two

For my nonwriter friends, the messy middle is the point in writing a novel where the middle isn't fully realized or generally all over the place.

I feel the term applies here for my second week with the program. It also happens to be where I am in my writing process for Coven of Ravens. Where I was emotionally and mentally was (I'm still feeling some of the effects) odd and felt murkier as the days passed. In addition, for most of the week, I felt this irritability or this loneliness that I haven't been able to identify where it came from. I have been told it's part of the process and that it's homesickness. I don't doubt it. I have been feeling homesick and I'm aching for my friends and family. I have these delicious dinners by myself and while I stare at how beautiful Italy is, I sit and think about how I wish they were with me too. Not to say that I don't feel happy to be in Italy. I am incredibly lucky to be here. I'm thankful that I get to go to these wonderful places, learn the culture and language, and discover more about my novel. Words cannot begin to stress how happy I am to be here.

My friends told me that I'm going on an incredible journey. They were right.

However, I need to acknowledge the fact that the emotional and mental health issues that I deal with at home are still very real here. A beautiful country will not heal my depression (I'm technically undiagnosed, however, my past therapist and I have discussed my history of depressive episodes so I feel the word still fits). It will not heal my intense fear of failure. It will not heal or solve all my issues. It will not make me forget that I miss my family or my friends for long. It will not make me forget that I'm terrified to go back home for long.

It's also incredibly weird to see significant moments in your country from the sidelines in addition to spending your summer learning about another country. At the time of publishing this, Roe V Wade has been reversed thus criminalizing abortions in many states, and it's strange and frustrating to (at almost the same time) learn about Italy's fascism and how abortion has been legalized in Italy in the early '70s. I don't have time to bask in that frustration because I also have to deal with the fact that when I get home on July 20th, I'm coming back with fewer rights with plenty more on the chopping block (I would feel remiss if I didn't mention that the rights of POC women, LGBTQ+, immigrants, disabled women, etc. have been attacked for years and that they will be receiving the worst of it all). I have called my mother in tears twice this second week. Once because I miss her dearly. Twice because I had to tell her that I don't even feel safe coming home.

I write about this for two reasons. One, because it's how I feel and it needs to be documented. Two, because despite how distressed I feel, I think it's an interesting time to be studying abroad and in addition, it alters the experience for many students. I think staying in another country and witnessing something so drastic occur in own changes how students take in the content.

Coming into this third week, I have a clearer head. While I'm still validly upset about the obvious (granted I'm thinking about it all more logically as I've processed it), I'm coming into my final full week with the program and I'm feeling better. I'm learning to enjoy my own company and to remind myself that I have to take it easy. Doing those things has made it easier for me to enter in the last week... And get some writing done.